Sunday, April 21, 2013

The more things change.....

Part of the process for matching me to a lead teacher is to do a "speed dating" (their words) event for the school, and part of that is to do a resident biography.

One of the questions was what 3 items would you have on a deserted island; another question was "what else should we know about you?" Keep in mind, I'm already in the program. I am enrolled. This is a matching exercise. So I polled some friends, and got feedback as to what to write from a number of smart, professional women who know me really well.

I just revised it this morning. Hubs and I have been fighting. I've realized he doesn't really know me, and to the extent that it's because I  get my support from my friends and not him, I wanted to try to open up to him. So I gave him my bio, which was 3 pages long, to proofread.

In response to the question "What would someone be surprised to know about you?" I wrote that I won a trip to France in 2009.  He said my answer was stupid, and screwed up his face like he was sucking on a lemon.

I didn't say anything in response.

He kept reading.

In response to the question "What else should we know about you?" I wrote a series of sentences that were  light-hearted and meant to convey who I am as a person. So I mentioned I was a political junkie, but also watched the Real Housewives and loved Kathy Griffin.  He said that was "stupid and unprofessional." He said it with such contempt for me on his face that I took it out of his hands, crumpled it up and threw it on the ground.

He then asked when I was going to apologize to him for the way I treated him. He's referring to Friday night, when he came home slurring his speech, just slightly, and being really handsy. I have a history of alcoholics in my family, and I get so completely turned off and repulsed by him when he is like that. If I'm drinking with him, ok. But he came home, he had gone out with a coworker who had driven him home, and he's pawing me in front of the kids and not listening to what I say, and just being a stupid drunk. I tried to play it off, but it's not right to grab my chest in front of my sons, and grind against me in front of them. I've told him approximately 100000 times I really don't like it when he's like that, which isn't that often. But Friday he was.

So he gets home, I'm putting B to bed and he asks for a sandwich. Fine. I make him one. I was trying to tell him the thing that happened with my ex-boss, and he just kept blowing me off and trying to be funny but he looked just really un-funny and pathetic. And he kept invading my personal space, and telling me to shush, and I couldn't fucking stand it. I told him he was drunk and to back off. He said I was crazy of course. I said, sure, fine, maybe it's my issue because of what I grew up around, but please respect my boundaries. I don't like you like this.

So then, he wants to get to some adult fun. No fucking way. At that point, I was so completely turned off and repulsed by him I said no.

At which point he went on a drunken rage against me, telling me all the things I suck at and how I'm selfish and a loser and he's over it he's done blah blah blah blah blah.

In his mind, I'm a bitch because I rejected him. And that gives him the license to wail on me in a tirade of verbal abuse.  At some point during his tirade, he was so...pathetic, like just saying things with the only goal being to draw blood, they were so over-the-top mean and untrue, that I started laughing. Out loud. To his face. I told him he is nothing if not predictable.

Ok so when I started writing this post 15 minutes ago, I stormed out of the living room and came into the office. He just said to me, "Ok, I'm going to run errands." I didn't answer. I hate him right now. I don't want to talk to him (oh, our sons are with the in-laws today). So. he said it again. What response does he want from me? I don't give a fuck where he goes today or what he does. So I just said, "Uh, ok." And he left.

I swear to god, if I just had sex with him every day he'd be happy with whatever. But I only want to have sex with him when he's a kind, considerate non-asshole.


He leaves for a business trip realllly early Tuesday morning and he won't be back until Thursday night. I cannot wait for him to go.


  1. Oh my sweet. There is nothing you could do or refuse to do that would make this behavior okay or understandable. NOTHING. Love you and know that you are beyond value.

  2. Also, your writing (which I've always enjoyed) was good enough to WIN A TRIP TO FRANCE. Fucker.

  3. I am so sad after reading this. Really really really sad. I just don't even know what to say other than you are so much better than this and you deserve better. Sarah's right nothing you could say, do, or not do deserves the way he treats you.

    How many people can say they won. a. trip. to. France???