Monday, April 29, 2013


If I needed further confirmation that I no longer want to practice law, it is today.

I have a client. He needs immediate litigation help. It involves custody and protective orders and all of that.

I'm not into it. I'm having a panicky feeling in my stomach when I see it's him calling.

And I think he's in the right legally. But I just can't anymore. I'm over litigating.

I'm also over my husband's antics.

But not so over him that I want to see my children 50% of the time.

Because that's the rub. I don't want to not see my children every single day.  I want to be a positive influence on them OVER my husband and because of my job, I see the fuckery that ex-spouses do their own kids to get back at their spouse. I don't want mine going through that, and I know, without doubt or hesitation, that's what would happen with MY husband.

And also, really....I'm not DONE with him. Buried very very deeply is a smidgen still of something real and decent. And I don't believe what he says about me. I don't believe I do. I don't feel like I do. I know it is his way of defending himself when he feels hurt and unloved. He's SO insecure ... my god, he's an advertisement for why you would raise your children to be secure and confident. I've been addressing with him - calmly- this weekend how he interprets everything I say as "against" him or critical of him, even when I'm saying things in his favor. It's almost an illness he has.

It takes the monster asshole out of him. He's just a 3 year old whose dad abandoned his family and whose mother mind-fucked him for the next 30 years.

I think he realized this weekend too - about the kids. They didn't ask about him or miss him when he was away. Not once. That's pretty telling. So when he asked if the boys missed him, I dodged it and said, "I think they're used to you being gone." He then spent every chance he got with them. And he was actually a good and decent parent.

And for now, I can use that. I'm not leaving anytime soon, even though, yes, I know, I deserve better. And I will get better. But honestly, right before going to grad school full time in an intensive program while raising 2 little boys...things are do-able.

Monday, April 22, 2013

He apologized

No, he didn't. Actually he said, "I don't want to fight anymore."

Which means, he does want to fight sometimes?

I know why he did it. He gets very upset about leaving us and he has the business trip tomorrow and he couldn't take it.

Whatever dude. I'm over you. And thank you thank you for the comments of support. I know these things, but it helps a lot to hear them again.

On to more important things: what blogs should I be reading?

I have two on the side now. Any other interesting ones?

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The more things change.....

Part of the process for matching me to a lead teacher is to do a "speed dating" (their words) event for the school, and part of that is to do a resident biography.

One of the questions was what 3 items would you have on a deserted island; another question was "what else should we know about you?" Keep in mind, I'm already in the program. I am enrolled. This is a matching exercise. So I polled some friends, and got feedback as to what to write from a number of smart, professional women who know me really well.

I just revised it this morning. Hubs and I have been fighting. I've realized he doesn't really know me, and to the extent that it's because I  get my support from my friends and not him, I wanted to try to open up to him. So I gave him my bio, which was 3 pages long, to proofread.

In response to the question "What would someone be surprised to know about you?" I wrote that I won a trip to France in 2009.  He said my answer was stupid, and screwed up his face like he was sucking on a lemon.

I didn't say anything in response.

He kept reading.

In response to the question "What else should we know about you?" I wrote a series of sentences that were  light-hearted and meant to convey who I am as a person. So I mentioned I was a political junkie, but also watched the Real Housewives and loved Kathy Griffin.  He said that was "stupid and unprofessional." He said it with such contempt for me on his face that I took it out of his hands, crumpled it up and threw it on the ground.

He then asked when I was going to apologize to him for the way I treated him. He's referring to Friday night, when he came home slurring his speech, just slightly, and being really handsy. I have a history of alcoholics in my family, and I get so completely turned off and repulsed by him when he is like that. If I'm drinking with him, ok. But he came home, he had gone out with a coworker who had driven him home, and he's pawing me in front of the kids and not listening to what I say, and just being a stupid drunk. I tried to play it off, but it's not right to grab my chest in front of my sons, and grind against me in front of them. I've told him approximately 100000 times I really don't like it when he's like that, which isn't that often. But Friday he was.

So he gets home, I'm putting B to bed and he asks for a sandwich. Fine. I make him one. I was trying to tell him the thing that happened with my ex-boss, and he just kept blowing me off and trying to be funny but he looked just really un-funny and pathetic. And he kept invading my personal space, and telling me to shush, and I couldn't fucking stand it. I told him he was drunk and to back off. He said I was crazy of course. I said, sure, fine, maybe it's my issue because of what I grew up around, but please respect my boundaries. I don't like you like this.

So then, he wants to get to some adult fun. No fucking way. At that point, I was so completely turned off and repulsed by him I said no.

At which point he went on a drunken rage against me, telling me all the things I suck at and how I'm selfish and a loser and he's over it he's done blah blah blah blah blah.

In his mind, I'm a bitch because I rejected him. And that gives him the license to wail on me in a tirade of verbal abuse.  At some point during his tirade, he was so...pathetic, like just saying things with the only goal being to draw blood, they were so over-the-top mean and untrue, that I started laughing. Out loud. To his face. I told him he is nothing if not predictable.

Ok so when I started writing this post 15 minutes ago, I stormed out of the living room and came into the office. He just said to me, "Ok, I'm going to run errands." I didn't answer. I hate him right now. I don't want to talk to him (oh, our sons are with the in-laws today). So. he said it again. What response does he want from me? I don't give a fuck where he goes today or what he does. So I just said, "Uh, ok." And he left.

I swear to god, if I just had sex with him every day he'd be happy with whatever. But I only want to have sex with him when he's a kind, considerate non-asshole.


He leaves for a business trip realllly early Tuesday morning and he won't be back until Thursday night. I cannot wait for him to go.

Saturday, April 20, 2013


My car cost "only" $545 to fix. Dealer said 3 things needed fixing. Our mechanic said only 1.

Gave notice to my firm. They were lovely. They said they were going to offer me a full time employee position- Im part time independent contractor now. It was nice to hear and they are so happy for me. A year ago I would have jumped at it. It was hard to hear in a way, but I know lawyering is not for me. I'm still going to work on project work when I can, maybe keep writing articles for the newsletter.

Hubs is still an ass.

I got a weird text last night from a former coworker who is a phenomenal lawyer and has been practicing for almost 30 years. He's been practicing for almost 30 years, and shares the same boss that I had, the same boss who was a terrible manager and basically ran me out of my last job. He asked me what I knew about another colleague of ours leaving the unit. I told them it was because of our boss and her micromanaging ways. My friend responded that he had had similar experiences with her recently, and he is talked with the remaining two other people in the unit, and they had as well. He's going to talk to my old bosses boss this week And demand some changes be made.

I know I should probably be all forgiveness and peace, but really, I just love karma coming around to kick that woman in the ass.

My friend, P, wrote me an email - in fact a few emails this week- that really made me think. And feel better. Like, really truly helped adjust my thinking. How'd I get so lucky? Seriously.

I thought about two quotes this week after my meltdown. One I found when I was struggling to stay pregnant all those times: that which you seek is seeking you. That's powerful.

The other, the managing partner at my firm reminded me that I said to her. Actually a few months ago SHE had a freak out about the firm and if they were doing the right thing in sinking their life savings into it. Apparently I sent her an email In response to her freak out and told her of the "Leap and the net will appear." She reminded me of that after I told her that I felt like I was about to jump off a cliff in giving my notice, leaving the law, and starting grad school for teaching. She said she has a print out that email that I sent her, and that she looks at it about once a week.

How amazing is that?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


I am full of bullshit and self-loathing.
I spew platitudes to friends going thru hard times, trying to convey the message of hope and strength. As if I have any fucking clue what that means.
My anxiety today is about a 15 on the scale of 1 to 10. My 11-year-old car is nearing the end of its life. This is a rather inconvenient time, since I'm about to quit my job and go back to school full-time. I was caught in a blizzard yesterday with no heat working in the car during rush hour in a white out and the god damn thing stalled in an intersection.
I'm surprised I did not stroke out from the rage that I felt. My babies are in the car, there is no heat, and we are in an intersection in a blizzard. On April fucking 15.
I asked Brody to say a prayer that we get home. And thank you heaven, it worked. Through a series of moving a quarter-mile and stalling in the next intersection letting the car cool off and then starting it again, we limped home. Towed the car to the dealership today. Damages? The radiator and waterpump. $1500.
I also got an email from my boss at the law firm today. They want to move me into a bigger role at their firm and they asked me if I wanted to stay as an independent contractor or if I wanted to go on as a part-time employee. So pretty much I have to give my notice to them a month earlier than I had planned. Because I can't very well say yes I want to be a part-time employee and then quit four weeks later. But quitting my job is really the last step in this process for me. It was my last security blanket that I could hold onto and change my mind about school if I wanted to at the last minute. And now I can't because I have to give notice that I'm quitting. I've literally felt nauseous the entire day today because of these two developments.
And then tonight, as I was discussing things with my husband about the car and the quitting the job, he says to me, and I quote, "are you sure you really want to be a teacher? Because there's not a lot of money in it and working to spend a lot of money-- what's the guarantee that they'll pay off the tuition if you work for them, and where is it written down that you'll get a job, and it just seems a little weird that you're switching careers at this point."
Nevermind that for the past year, I've been pursuing this by taking the PLACE exam and applying to this program in Denver. Nevermind that I've tried to talk to him numerous times about why I want to switch, because it's nice to have a life partner be your friend and be someone who you can talk to about these things. Never mind that whenever I've done that, he's been on his phone, watching TV, or simply not interested. Tonight. Tonight he says these things to me and then he says to me "this is your last chance. This is your one do-over."
Like I'm getting a deferred sentence in a criminal case.
This is the support I get? Then, he claims, after six months ago saying that we could take a loan out of his 401(k) if we needed to to pay for the tuition, he appears to be flabbergasted today that there is, in fact, tuition and financial aid. Keep in mind, if you will, that this program is very elite, they accept 60 students out of 300 applicants, and it forgives 20% of the entire tuition for each year that you work in the school system after getting your degree. Which means after five years, tuition is 100% reimbursed.
He said "so you're going to pay $30,000 to get a $30,000 your job? And you're already a lawyer?"
Yes, motherfucker, that's my plan.
I gave him the pay scale for teachers in the school system with a masters degree, which starts at $40k, right from their website, and then I gave him my essays that I filled out that got me into this program. Of course, I shared my essays with him before.
He just never fucking read them.
I asked him what was his salary when he first started out in his career? I recall it being somewhere around $17,000 a year. I recall being the only breadwinner for the first three years of our relationship. Then he got the $17,000 year job. And there was a raise to 23,000. Then there was a layoff then there was a $20,000 your job and then there's another layoff and then there was the job he got that actually started his career.
I also liquidated my pension so that we paid off our unsecured debt, get our mortgage back on track and out of foreclosure and put a little money in our savings account.
So I think I deserve a little bit more respect than my husband of 10 years saying to me tonight, "are you smoking something? Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
I have a giant fucking headache right now. I left him with materials from the program as well as my essays about 45 minutes ago. He's back to watching TV. While I put the kids to bed. I have absolutely no interest in talking to him.
This is what I want to teach my sons: It is not what you say that matters in a relationship with your spouse or significant other. It is the way that you say it. Words matter. Tone defines everything.
Hypocrisy and double standards make my blood boil.
And my head ache.
And do you know what my six-year-old told me today? And I quote, "I think you're going to make a great teacher mommy."
How blessed am I? I thank God for my sons. But it's pretty fucking sad when they are more empathetic toward and supportive of me than my 39-year-old husband.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Sign of the lame times

Spent half the night awake last night.

Worried about when to tell current job that I start grad school June 10.

I'm thinking 4 weeks but even that will be tight for them to find a replacement. There are lawyers aplenty but this type of lawyering is mostly customer service, with empathy, and the ability to google the answers in 30 seconds or less. It's different.

I'm really anxious. I don't want to do the stuff from now until June 10, not just resigning but everything. I am so completely bored out of my mind at work now. I'm isolated, I need people. I took a shower last night and just one hour ago - 17 hours later - actually brushed my hair. I'm wearing a t-shirt with holes in it and no bra with Walmart sweat pants. What the FUCK.

So I took this big bold step today: I updated my education on my facebook profile to include the grad school program I'm attending. NOW IT'S REALLY REAL.

Is this what I've become? Good lord. I'm a hermit with no social skills.