If I needed further confirmation that I no longer want to practice law, it is today.
I have a client. He needs immediate litigation help. It involves custody and protective orders and all of that.
I'm not into it. I'm having a panicky feeling in my stomach when I see it's him calling.
And I think he's in the right legally. But I just can't anymore. I'm over litigating.
I'm also over my husband's antics.
But not so over him that I want to see my children 50% of the time.
Because that's the rub. I don't want to not see my children every single day. I want to be a positive influence on them OVER my husband and because of my job, I see the fuckery that ex-spouses do their own kids to get back at their spouse. I don't want mine going through that, and I know, without doubt or hesitation, that's what would happen with MY husband.
And also, really....I'm not DONE with him. Buried very very deeply is a smidgen still of something real and decent. And I don't believe what he says about me. I don't believe I do. I don't feel like I do. I know it is his way of defending himself when he feels hurt and unloved. He's SO insecure ... my god, he's an advertisement for why you would raise your children to be secure and confident. I've been addressing with him - calmly- this weekend how he interprets everything I say as "against" him or critical of him, even when I'm saying things in his favor. It's almost an illness he has.
It takes the monster asshole out of him. He's just a 3 year old whose dad abandoned his family and whose mother mind-fucked him for the next 30 years.
I think he realized this weekend too - about the kids. They didn't ask about him or miss him when he was away. Not once. That's pretty telling. So when he asked if the boys missed him, I dodged it and said, "I think they're used to you being gone." He then spent every chance he got with them. And he was actually a good and decent parent.
And for now, I can use that. I'm not leaving anytime soon, even though, yes, I know, I deserve better. And I will get better. But honestly, right before going to grad school full time in an intensive program while raising 2 little boys...things are do-able.